A Word on Struggle and Reflecting on how its Made me Feel..
You cannot gain appreciation and achieve great things without struggle. Let’s get to the root of it here. To feel pushed to move in such a way that achieves great things in your life, we must feel uncomfortable. By default, we as human beings do not particularly enjoy squirming at any length. Put more vaguely, we don’t enjoy unpleasant feelings. I’ve talked about this before in past posts about how we must face our problems. We tend to avoid whatever might make us feel nervous, scared, uncomfortable, mad, sad, etc. And while it isn’t wrong to avoid these emotions at times, by and large they’re there for a reason.
These past months have been filled with struggle for me. I’m 20 and boy have I been learning what it means to be an adult. I’ve been served a reality check regarding money and in many other ways. To be an adult is almost always synonymous with financial struggle. Theres times when money is tight, and you must learn how to save and spend less. As I’ve been making less money I find it harder to make it stretch farther. And yet car insurance, gas and phone bills still don’t go away.
I get it if sometimes you just want to take a day to wallow in the self loathing emotions and thoughts. There’s some days when I just want to complain about it and get it out of my system. Sometimes I just need to sit there and cry, for however long I want. Past financial problems, I’ve dealt with a lot of other emotional struggles.
I sit here and think about everything I’m going through but to be frank, what young adult isn’t struggling and going through the same similar things? Being an adult feels like being given a job you’re unqualified to perform. So many serious decisions that have the gravity to bring you and your life to its knees. Choose the wrong degree or career? Well, you just may struggle financially the rest of your life. Date and marry the wrong person, you could make a commitment to the wrong person. Make a poor decision that sets your health back? Pay for it the next decade or two. Choose career over happiness? Get stuck in a hole that’s tremendously hard to get out of. And lose important people before the grueling process.
You get the picture, right?
It’s so much and it’s so heavy sometimes. For me, I know that I have these big dreams. Dreams that are so big, that I can’t help but settle for anything other than them.
I can’t be happy if I’m not making art and living every day doing what I’m most passionate about. It’s my life line and it keeps me going. To choose a different path, for me, is to choose to want nothing more than okay out of life.
But sometimes…. Chasing your dreams is draining and it hurts. Sometimes losing sleep and spending all of your time, thoughts and energy on it sucks away some of your joy. Sometimes not seeing any tangible success or progress strips away another chunk of your drive and hope.
I want to give up so often. It never becomes solidified because this is what I want more than anything else but it feels like a solid way out. I keep imagining my future. What would it feel like, sound like, to see the success I so desperately crave? How would successful Marah look and feel? Sometimes she feels like nothing more than a dream I create in my mind sleeping at night.
For as large of a chunk that there is of me wanting to give up, theres another part thats resilient. She’s strong and she knows not what it means to give up. All she knows is that dreams are only meant to be one thing; achieved. Giving up isn’t even an option, it’s simply not a thing. A figment of the imagination dreamt up by the other part of me.
We all have different personalities within us fighting one another to take the stage. Days where one shows up and we feel depressed and cynical. Doubting ourselves so harshly it’s impossible to believe these thoughts belong to ourselves. But it’s those days when the stronger, more confident woman living within shows up. She doesn’t even know what being sad looks like. Those days when we feel on top of the world and know what we have to do and how exactly we will achieve it.
Maybe sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings here for the public today isn’t 100% smart, but I’m doing it anyway.
Because I know that there are some women out there who need this. Women who are struggling with their careers and achieving their dreams and I want you to know that you’re not the only one. I want you to know that someone has just as bad days. But please be stronger than that. Last weekend was one of my worst in a long time, but I want to say farewell to it and the cynical part of me. I want to let the strong, determined woman within me take the spotlight, permanently. And I want the exact same for each and every girl boss, blogger, dreamer and creative just trying to make it. Just trying to achieve what they always wished for.
Stay consistent. Keep hustling and you will achieve. If you connect with this and you’ve been feeling the same way, please reach out to me if you wish through my social media or in the comments below. Lets overcome this together because we’re strong and we can.